behind the screen

(cw: anxiety, panic/anxiety attacks)

Here are some facts about me right now:

• I am in Chapel Hill, in my wonderful home.

• As many of you know, I have general anxiety disorder and have struggled with anxiety since high school.

• My main anxiety trigger is death, so covid-19 has led to an increase in my day-to-day anxiety.

• Anxiety is different for everyone, this is just my story.

As I was shooting my last Instagram feed photo for Vera Bradley, a company I have spent two years as an ambassador for, I noticed my entire body was shaking and I started to feel dizzy. Suddenly, I started having chest pain and realized what was happening. I was having an anxiety attack. When this happens I can usually function normally mentally, it’s more of a physical reaction to a stressor (or combination of stressors).

Unlike every other photo I have taken, this one was done by myself with self-timer. I usually have someone there to tell me what looks good, hit all the angles I normally like and give me verbal support. But this time I didn’t. I had self-timer, a ring light and myself. As I started shooting, the onset of panic began. I took a few more pictures, but after noticing that it was visibly obvious that I was not well, I decided to take a break. I sat for a few minutes, ate a snack and then continued on with the photos.

I wrote this, not to talk about anxiety (however, if anyone needs or wants to talk about it, please contact me), but to shed a little light on what happens behind social media. If you saw me post this photo, you would assume that I was having a great time and was totally at peace. But that is just not the truth. Social media is the biggest mask to hide behind, especially when your income depends on it.

And there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do what you need to do. Just try to keep in mind that face value is not always the full truth. In the middle of trying to take the perfect photo, I also goofed off and took photos of myself that made me laugh (featured below), while still in the midst of this anxiety attack. It’s not that the photos we post are fake, they just only show the highlights of our experiences. Humans are complex and even when we appear to be living our best lives, you never know what is actually going on behind the screen. Spread love to everyone, you never know who may need it.

xoxo,

lex